Tales of lesbian love. I Loved Her: True Stories of Same-Sex Love

-At what age did you realize that you were a lesbian? Was it difficult to accept that you were not like most of your peers?

At 14-15 years old, at the age of awareness of self-awareness. I wouldn’t call it difficult or simple, it’s an experience that’s a little strange in the sense that you realize that you’re not like everyone else. Not in a bad or good way, everyone is the same, but you are somehow different.

Did your classmates make fun of you? Humiliated? If so, what helped you survive and how did it affect your character and attitude towards people?

I did not experience outright ridicule or humiliation based on my position in the class, if we are now talking about the school period. There were omissions and unnecessary conflicts that arose because of my sexual orientation. For example, they insulted my girlfriend. How did you survive it? Self-confidence helped. Unlike many other people, I quickly came to an inner understanding that I was not defective and not bad. All these omissions and whispers only further strengthened my character.

-How did your mother react to your love for girls? Tell us about your coming out.

When I was young, I had to pass off my boy friends as guys, I even bought gifts for myself. I was worried that my loved ones wouldn’t understand, and that losing the love of my family is a serious test in life. Unfortunately, this often happens with LGBT activists. When I was 15 years old, I decided that I would tell my mother about myself when I really fell in love. This happened after 20 years. I called and said that I fell in love, she asked his name, and I answered that it was not him, but she. At first, my mother was worried about my future. But now she is completely on my side. In excellent relations with my beloved girlfriend, they often discuss me and even complain to each other. I am very glad that they have a trusting and honest relationship. This makes me happy and incredibly supportive. My relationship with my mother also supports other LGBT activists. People like me and my mom are the only ones. My coming out is the exception, not the rule. I was very lucky.

Why did it become necessary to create a community center in the Northern part of Russia? What are the main problems activists in the regions face?

About work and why I hide my face in all interviews. This is a security issue. I had cases when they wrote to me on social networks, came home, threatened me, and all because somewhere I was in a photo with a signed last name on the topic of LGBT. Creating an organization in the region is an opportunity to provide legal and psychological assistance and support to activists on the spot. The community has two problems. The first is fear. In our city at one time there was a group called “Occupy Pedophilia”, when they caught people who were in no way related to the topic of pedophilia, intimidated, bullied and even raped. And the second problem is confusion. Today, new laws are being adopted regarding LGBT communities and activists. It's scary when you are singled out into a separate group and driven into the framework of an enemy against the whole society.

-Why did you create a community center in Siberia? Do activists have problems that are relevant for all regions?

If we talk about attitude, then in Moscow and St. Petersburg the attitude is the same, but in the regions everything is different. On the one hand, in the regions people don’t know much about LGBT people, but on the other hand, we have all sorts of anti-fascist groups and Orthodox activists working here. Which, unfortunately, use the image of LGBT people as the image of the enemy and call for violence.

-Today, being LGBT activists is a trend among young people, a fashion?

This question makes me doubtful. What does fashion and LGBT have to do with it? Such people do not come to us. It's strange to be fashionable and get fired from your job. It's strange to be fashionable and get punched in the face while walking with your girlfriend on your arm. It's strange to be fashionable and afraid of such fashion at the same time.

-How do you want heterosexuals to treat you?

It’s hard to say, “You’re heterosexual, so treat me this way and that way.” I just would NOT want a “special” relationship. Treat me like any other person. Many people believe that gays and lesbians need SEPARATE rights. No way. For what? The usual equal attitude: respect for the individual, for personal life, for family rights, labor rights, without any distinctions.

- Is there anything about heterosexual couples that you kindly envy?

Feeling safe. A guy and a girl can walk along the embankment hand in hand, but I and my beloved cannot, because sidelong glances and insults will begin. I do not support passionate kissing between men and women in public places, nor do I support similar actions by LGBT activists. We're talking about a simple walk hand in hand or arm in arm.

-Are you in a couple now? What is the most important thing in your relationship? How do you see your future?

Yes, I am now in a wonderful relationship, for five years now. Like any other couple, the most important thing for us is love. The other half of a person is not just a husband/wife, a companion, a friend. This is a witness of your life who loves you, respects you, supports you, goes through all the difficulties and joys with you. I see our future strong, stable, filled with love.

-One of the key problems for LGBT couples is children. How do you see the continuation of your lineage?

Of course, I really want children and so does my girlfriend. We will definitely give birth, today this is possible with the help of IVF. And I know for sure that I will love my child for who he is.

-The main value of a family is...

Love. For me, this feeling contains a lot: interest, trust, care. This is the main value of the family and the main value of our life.

-What in life are you really afraid of not doing and afraid of losing?

Very good, interesting question. He made me think. I believe that my family, my parents, they will always be with me, in my soul and in my heart. But I’m afraid of losing my enthusiasm and endless optimism. This is always with me, and in the most difficult situations these family character traits help a lot. I hope this stays with me forever.

This was one of those rare interviews after which there was no aftertaste of “something is not right here, something is not clean, something was not told to me.” I don’t want to dig further and find out. Actually, what is there to find out? There is a man, a girl. Beautiful, bright, smart, educated, wise beyond her years. Conducts himself confidently, answers questions honestly and directly. He talks with pleasure about his work and life. She is madly in love with her Siberian city, considers it the best place on earth. With incredible warmth he talks about his loved ones.

Why is he hiding his face? Fears. What? Losing your bright, rich and happy life because someone does not understand the love of a woman for a woman. Sincere, pure, with all its stages. I can honestly say, I don't understand either. Just like I don’t understand artists who paint pictures and composers who create music. One thing I know for sure is that she has the right to live as she wants and love who she wants. And I DO NOT have the right to judge or condemn. I am happy for a PERSON who is happy. And you?

This book is partly biographical, and I did not read this book before meeting the author, and only after meeting her, I read it in the “voice of the author” that sounded in my head. With its intonations and pauses in the text, which only the author can convey. Despite the fact that the book is lesbian in nature, there is no vulgarity in it, no description of simple human love. It was a very easy and rich read; for a long time I had a description of the nature and experiences of the author in my head.

I really like reading biographies of different people. It’s not enough for a person to live his own life, this is probably why we are so drawn to look into someone else’s life and live someone else’s feelings, thoughts and think “how would I behave in this situation?” Reading this book felt like being in a song:

Dark, gloomy corridor,
I'm on tiptoe like a thief
I make my way, barely breathing,
So as not to scare
Those who have been sleeping for a long time,
Those who care
Whose room am I sneaking into?
I'd like to take a look
To see...

In the book we see several very short stories. And although they are of a lesbian nature, the problems are still the same as those of ordinary people, jealousy, breakups, dating. Emotions and nature are described very colorfully, you completely feel like you are there in the story.

1. Break.
Realities of family life. It’s very vital and everyone can say these words when parting: “It’s a pity for those days that we could have gone through together.” Is it necessary to fight for a relationship when one has betrayed you? Is it necessary to forgive? Each story can end on its own. With a scandal, he will throw his partner out of the apartment, or it will be a few more months.

2. How to get over a breakup.
“Her armpits smelled like the sea.” Quite an unexpected comparison. But in any couples they always develop their own words, phrases, and memories of smells. “The city was swollen with memories, it oozed with them.” This happens in everyone's life. I know this phrase in another construction: “this freak has littered the whole city, all my favorite places with memories of him.” This story can be taken away for quotes, it is so close to every person. “This has happened more than once - separation - illness - recovery.” “When people part ways, do they remember the locks they left on the cast railings of bridges?” This story impressed me most of all, it is so alive, it seems to breathe and speak with experiences and thoughts that are so familiar to every person.

3. Russia - South Africa: a love story.

The family has fallen apart, the heroine is looking for a way to get distracted and forget, new acquaintances on the Internet. Fear of new relationships, fear of new acquaintances, fear of communication, and is it necessary to enter into a new relationship when a person you know only on the Internet lives on another continent? Are the feelings really real, or is it just what it seems? All this has to be decided by the heroine.

4. Four dates

A very funny story that will not leave anyone indifferent. How are our dates going? real life? When did everything start so well through correspondence?

5. Tramontana

Should I leave or stay? This is the girl's question. Very colorful description of nature, sea, seagulls, city. And this question, is it necessary to leave when the wind of tramontana has blown in the relationship?

6. Langeron's seagull

The story is a parable. Everything passes - everything dies, feelings, emotions, and in old age we will walk through the places of our memories trying to remember “what was that?”

We are starting to publish stories of women whose views, thoughts and lifestyles differ from traditional ones. This can be related to any area of ​​your life: from profession and hobbies to personal relationships and self-perception.

If you understand that the word “other” evokes in you the response “that’s me!”, write to us at [email protected]. And we'll tell your story - anonymously, of course, if you want.

Today we share with you Lena's story.

Hsmedia.ru

"Fourteen thirty-year-old Muslim men"

I am 22. I graduated from Moscow State Linguistic University and in the next two years I will be assigned to another university. Now I teach Russian as a foreign language, and the first group I was sent to teach was fourteen thirty-year-old Muslim men.

I had the wildest panic when I first went to this group. It’s not even really fear, it just constantly seems to me that some kind of trash could start at any second. Firstly, this is a group of men, secondly, a group of men older than me, thirdly, a group of Muslim men. This is a separate community that I don’t know well; they have their own attitude towards women.

But everything turned out to be quite nice. As I understand, in their country there is a special culture of attitude towards teachers. They keep their distance, treat me with respect, that is, they certainly do not perceive me as a 20-year-old chick who is trying to teach them something. So my distribution turned out to be not such a torture as I initially expected.

A good group with normal relationships within the team, work in which I was able to navigate and from which I feel satisfaction, which is important. But it still breaks me every time I have to go to class, I just physically force myself to move towards work. I think it has a lot to do with the format—30-year-old Muslim men.

And I’m a lesbian, so there are quite a lot of slippery moments in my work. Recently, for example, one of the students came to my Instagram. I have with study group general chat in Viber, and all social network accounts are synchronized. I had to re-block everything, change my photo and nickname on Instagram. I wouldn't have to do this if I was in a traditional relationship.

mir-zenshin.ru

It is also always painful to build relationships with work teams. Sooner or later, colleagues are interested in your personal life. This is also one of the assessment points at work. It depends on whether you will be accepted into internal teams, and this, whatever one may say, affects the work process, comfort, and the possibility of further advancement. At some point, you may have to come up with a nice story, stick to it, live like a swordsman, constantly deflecting questions like blows.

“You kind of understand with your mind that this is all nonsense, but it’s hard to keep eternal dialogues with public opinion in your head.”

The period of acquaintance with my sexuality occurred at the age of 15-16. I was surrounded by many beautiful, smart, crazy friends whom I respected and admired immensely. I had a great time and fun with them. Because of the desire to be frank with each other, we try to discuss this, but in the end everything devolves into awkward chuckles and shrugs: “No, well, no, well, it’s clear that no, this is not about us!”

At the same time, in the background, there is a series of ridiculous attempts at relationships with guys. But everything there is so much at the level of imagination, nothing deep - just a subconscious desire to fit into the norm, because heteronormative relationships are about social success. And throughout adolescence this paradigm is in my head. A romantic relationship with a guy is something that must be had, something that you need to show to others in order to be accepted as a person, and if you don’t have this, then your well-wishers will treat you differently.

I had internal conflicts when I realized that I wanted to start dating a girl. I thought it was worth being with a guy first, to become established in society in this regard. And if I immediately start with same-sex relationships, then phrases like “you’re with her to attract the attention of men”, “you didn’t have a normal man” will be thrown at me. In your mind you seem to understand that this is all nonsense, but it’s difficult to keep eternal dialogues with public opinion in your head.

Wall.hr

At the same time, I never had homophobia, I didn’t have this stupid idea that there is something wrong, dirty, distorted. Any relationship that I saw around me was perceived by me as actually love relationship between people. Therefore on intellectual level I had no problems accepting my sexuality. But no one has canceled the psychological narrow-mindedness. Therefore, in the course of my experiments and attempts to “be normal,” I, one might say, was in relationships with both men and women.

“And most likely, I will not have this most terrible intimacy with men”

I had intimate relationships with both men and women. But it’s hard for me to talk about the difference.

I don't have a strong desire primarily for the body. To a female or male body. I mean, sex is a very strong sensory experience, frank communication, it’s terrible intimacy. And objectification is not my thing at all. I don’t understand all these things at all: the beauty of the female body, curves, feminine tenderness. All I feel is for the person. And most likely, I will not have this most terrible intimacy with men. These are people who went through a different socialization. I personally have too many unpleasant moments in my relationships with them. I don’t want to have to explain a bunch of things to someone and have to deal with petty sexist beliefs all the time. I am not going to have an eternal discussion, but it is inevitable, because most men have a well-known, established concept of “what a woman is.”

“You’re a girl, why are you even thinking about this?”

I have a revealing story about relationships with men. In my first year I had a romantic relationship with a guy. He was quite interesting, there was a lot to talk about with him, but I call such people “fashionist”. He seems to read a lot, it seems you can talk to him, but this creates so much dust in the eyes that it’s funny and sad. And then one day I told him that I didn’t feel well, that bad thoughts were creeping in, because at that time I still trusted him. I was in my first year and was experiencing something like depression. To which this cute boy tells me: “You’re a girl, why are you even thinking about this, why are you pushing yourself?” I wasn't even offended, I just felt funny. You're a girl... That's all over.

With women everything has always been more alive, more real, deeper. It's not about the sensations of the body, but about making love itself, about intimacy.

The first few months of my relationship with my first girlfriend were amazing. This is one of the most precious memories I have. We dated this girl for three years and broke up at the beginning of last year.

“What are superficial conversations worth when you always have the deepest personal source nearby, to which you no longer need to explain much”

womensplay.net

And at the same time, problems arise with your studies, with your work, and within your relationships.

And, again, there is no one to discuss this with but her. You are different people and over time you realize that there are things about which you have completely opposite opinions. The entire time I was in a relationship, I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on inside the relationship. If any problem appeared, it simply hung in the air. You won’t go to your friends or relatives for advice, because the answer will be along the lines of “maybe the problem is that your relationship shouldn’t exist at all.” It's complicated. And just seeing each other every day for three years is not an easy test for a relationship. Because of this, many conflicts arise, including internal ones. That's why intellectual relations with a new person became an important event in my life, but my girlfriend was in exactly the same isolation. And it must be very difficult when someone is pulled out of your interdependent union, and that someone is not you.

She tried to initiate meetings between the three of us and also wanted to start communicating with my new friend. Yes, and I understood that in an amicable way, the three of us would get together. And one day we finally got together, but nothing came of it. Three different people, each with his own psychological traumas, fears, suspiciousness, each will be jealous, will be afraid of being left behind. As a result, the three-year relationship ended. I stayed with that third girl, no matter how it sounds.

“Aren’t you and your girlfriend in love by any chance?”

Coming out to my parents happened a few months after I started dating my first girlfriend. She and I were on a trip, and I sent photos to my parents. It seemed to me that they were normal. These are the usual photos. And so I arrive, my mother suddenly says that “we need to talk seriously.” I thought she found a stash of cigarettes in the entrance. But no. “My father and I looked at your photos, and doubts began to creep in. Are you and your girlfriend in love by any chance?”

And that was the last thing I expected. I just remained silent for about five minutes with a hysterical smile on my face. Mother understood everything. Then there was some meaningless dialogue, and I just left.

womanhappiness.ru

At some point, I was very happy that my parents knew everything and did not take any punitive measures. But it's still a vicious circle. Conversations are cycles that need to be waited out. Mom says: “I understand everything, I read about it, read interviews with other girls who live in such relationships. Yes, I understand that you have deep feelings, but how are you without a child?” This, by the way, is the funniest thing - parents don’t insist on a man, they insist on a child.

But I don't want children. Even before accepting my orientation, I realized that I would not have any child. It’s not very good for me to live here, I can’t take on such a big responsibility to another for dragging him into existence. It’s strange that a girl’s growing up is structured in such a way that at 14 you already think not about your life, but about a possible new one.

The love of a woman for a woman... what can such a union give? The heroines of the stories are women different ages, professions, cities, countries. They have one thing in common - they all want Love. And since two women meet on the way to this special love, feelings are heightened to the limit. Tramontana is a wind that blows so long and strong that in Catalonia there is a belief: Tramontana deprives people of their minds. The heroines of the stories are balancing on the brink: the wind of change, rushing into their lives, changes their reality.

• Tramontana

* * *

The given introductory fragment of the book Tramontana. Stories about lesbian love (Evgenia Monastyrskaya) provided by our book partner - the company liters.

© Evgenia Monastyrskaya, 2018

ISBN 978-5-4490-8169-8

Created in the intellectual publishing system Ridero

Tramontana

Storybook

Evgenia Monastyrskaya

Copyright © 2015 Evgenia Monastyrskaya. All right reserved

First edition

Cover design by Evgenia Monastyrskaya

The cover of the book uses the painting “Wind” by Maria Reznik »

It seemed to her that her beloved was floating away from her; the face dissolves in the haze, the thin silhouette melts, large attentive eyes slip away. How strange, thought Lena, Natasha is very close, but so alien, withdrawn, not mine.

Lena was sitting in the kitchen at her laptop, drinking strong tea, it was two o'clock in the morning. She tried to read the news on the Internet, but a vague premonition of an impending disaster made it difficult to concentrate on the text.

Her girlfriend was sleeping in the room. Not mine,” Lena repeated to herself and looked into the black hole of the window. Rare sex, which happened once a month, no longer brought them joy. It was no longer intimacy. At such moments it seemed to her as if they were two spoiled robots, automatically making ridiculous movements and making ridiculous sounds. After this incident, otherwise she could not name what was happening between them, she experienced annoyance and an acute feeling of awkwardness. And even more - she was ashamed, ashamed for no reason.

They wandered around the apartment in cloudy shadows, and Lena felt the tension growing. Natasha pretended that nothing was happening. She still cooked her dinner, mechanically asked her about something, and even loudly kissed her on the cheek. But instead of the interesting conversations at the table that they had so valued before, now a painful silence hung over them. Attempts to start a conversation led nowhere - the dialogue immediately died out. And Lena again felt annoyed and awkward.

Showdowns only complicated the situation; they showered each other with mutual claims and reproached each other for selfishness. Lena still felt tenderness for this slender girl, she wanted to hug her head, bury her face in her hair, kiss the top of her head and say the phrase that she repeated so often:

- I love your brain. I kiss your brain.

Even from the beginning of their stormy relationship, Lena was afraid that their love was a fragile miracle that would fade and fade away every year. In the beginning, she told Natasha, the end is already concluded. Everything goes through its cycle: birth, development, death. More than once she wanted to leave, to escape from this relationship, so as not to watch their sad disintegration, the end. It’s wonderful, she said, to part ways at takeoff, at the very beginning.

How do people cope with this? – Lena thought. With a gradual fading of feelings? Are they humbled? Do you think that boredom in a relationship is not the worst thing? What is better than a proven, reliable partner - a friend, even if he is no longer very interesting or desirable, than loneliness and the search for new unknown relationships? They get used to each other, become family, which is already a good thing - to have loved one in this changeable and very dangerous world. Endless conversations, reverent touches, stormy caresses - this delightful journey into each other ends sooner or later. And His Majesty Habit slowly crawls onto the stage. Many continue to live, walled up in habit. What about others? Others flee. But maybe someone is still pulling out this magic ticket called a “happy marriage”?

“A good deal won’t be called marriage,” Natasha liked to repeat with a grin.

And at the same time, Natasha always strived to build stable, long-term relationships. And to Lena’s lamentations that everything comes to an end, she cheerfully answered:

- Yes, it ends. But between the beginning and the end there will be so many meetings, so much love and bright feelings. Quarrels and stormy reconciliations. Whole life! Which is worth living!

Yes, their life was really bright, Lena thought, got up and poured a new glass of tea. But what happened now?

Once at the beginning of their romance, Lena asked:

– How did the relationship with your previous girlfriend end?

- No scandals. We became uninteresting to each other. We lived in the same apartment as neighbors, each with their own lives. One day I simply asked her to give me the keys to my apartment. She calmly gave it up and disappeared from my life.

Lena carefully, so as not to make noise, sat down at the table again. She glanced absentmindedly over the surface of the tabletop and only now, among a couple of books, uncleaned cups and sheets of paper, she noticed Natasha’s mobile phone. She automatically took it and stroked the smooth screen with her fingers.

She suddenly had an unbearable desire to look at the messages. Maybe Natasha has someone else? And right now, she will detect their SMS? Never in the four years of their romance had she allowed herself to look at her phone. Even when at times she suspected that Natasha might have an affair. No, she thought it was disgusting and unacceptable.

Carefully, as if it were a living, fragile creature, she placed the phone on the table. And again she stared at Yandex, although she had already forgotten what she was looking for there. A mongrel howled sadly on the street.

Lena touched the mobile phone with her fingers again; The shiny surface was hypnotizing. She listened to the silence of the sleepy apartment. And no longer able to stop herself, feeling as if she was committing some disgusting, dirty crime, she pressed the small button on the phone. The small screen flashed. Her hands were shaking, she again listened to the silence of the apartment, it seemed to her that Natasha would now enter the kitchen.

Called up incoming messages. The text messages were from her. A couple from their mutual friend. And suddenly... She couldn’t believe her eyes: the SMS from three weeks ago was the password and login from the dating site – Loveplanet. A familiar site, from which she left with relief, having met Natasha there and realizing that they would stay together for a long time.

Lena looked at the glowing screen of her mobile phone. My heart was beating wildly. She pulled the laptop towards her and sat clutching the phone for about five minutes, trying to stop the trembling in her body. Finally, with trembling fingers, I typed Loveplanet into Yandex, entered the password and entered Natasha’s account.

Natasha corresponded with five girls. Lena could not read the correspondence, the lines jumped, blurred, she only glanced at the beginning of the sentences. Finally, I found a rather long message and forced myself to read the first lines. “I am pleased to correspond with such an interesting woman like you...” Natasha wrote to her interlocutor. Next came an impressive paragraph; it was clear that Natasha had been thinking through the text for a long time and choosing phrases. Once upon a time she wrote to her just as long and thoroughly.

The next half hour passed in a blur. Lena looked at Yandex with an unseeing gaze, her body was shaking with small tremors, and her heart was already fluttering somewhere in her throat. She made plans to log into the site every day and monitor correspondence. She will watch how their relationship develops, read how Natasha lies to her interlocutor, telling her that she has no one, how she falls in love, gives compliments... and, finally, they will make an appointment. And then Lena will come to that cafe or to that metro station, to that boulevard and... She slammed the lid of her laptop.

She took a cup of tea that had long cooled down. She took a long sip; it tasted disgustingly bitter. There was a shuffling sound in the corridor. The kitchen door opened.

“Baby, it’s already three o’clock in the morning, go to bed,” Natasha blinked sleepily and poured herself some water, “tomorrow you’ll walk sluggishly.”

Natasha put down the empty glass.

“Go to bed,” she said mechanically and left the kitchen.

A couple of minutes later Lena entered the room. She turned on the night light and sat on the edge of the bed.

- I need to talk to you.

- Right now? – Natasha squinted with displeasure.

Lena hesitated. For some reason I smoothed out the folds on the blanket. Finally, I forced myself to say:

– Are you on a dating site?

“Of course not,” Natasha answered tiredly, “you already asked me a week ago.”

Lena again felt ashamed, for herself, for Natasha. Her beloved had to lie and deny. Natasha desperately resisted, while maintaining a bewildered calm.

Of course, Lena thought, trying not to look at her friend’s imperturbable face, it doesn’t occur to her that I discovered her correspondence. That's right, she already forgot about this lost SMS with her username and password.

Everything that was happening seemed like a bad dream, a cheap, mediocre play written by a drunken loser playwright. She looked around automatically, as if afraid to see the auditorium behind her and the rare bored spectators, absentmindedly staring at their mobile phones.

How ridiculous everything went, she thought, and suddenly for some reason she took Natasha’s hand. In this unnecessary, extra touch, she so wanted to convey her tenderness and love. It was a desperate gesture, as if she was trying to grab onto this hand, hold on to something important that was slipping away, turn back time. Yes, she loved her desperately now. And to my surprise, I didn’t feel angry at all. Only pain, shame. And aching tenderness. Not even to Natasha, but to their love, to their common world, which, in agony, was falling apart. It was as if she was watching a bird hit by a car, tormented with crushed wings. The bird was dying, their love was dying before her eyes. The bird twitched its whole body slightly. Opening its beak in a silent cry, the bird looked into space with surprised, pain-filled, slowly glassing eyes.

Lena felt her teeth begin to chatter against each other. And she clenched her jaw. Now she was both victim and executioner. She must say this, expose her. What will Natasha's face be like? What will her beloved say? How will he defend himself?

“It seems to me that you are on a dating site,” Lena said barely audibly, and the phrase seemed monstrously stupid to her.

- Baby, you're paranoid.

She can convince me for a long time that I am paranoid, Lena thought, looking at Natasha’s face with pain. It seemed to her that she was balancing on the edge of an abyss and now, closing her eyes, would take a step into the abyss.

“I went into your phone, there was a password for Loveplanets,” her own voice seemed alien to her, “I saw... your correspondence.”

Natasha exhaled. It was an exhale-moan, long, muffled. And she automatically pulled the blanket over herself, as if trying to hide behind it.

“Yes... here...” Natasha stared at the folds of the sheet.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. The soft light of the night lamp illuminated the room, Lena shook from bouts of nervous trembling.

“You’re the only girl I haven’t cheated on,” Natasha broke the silence, “and this correspondence... this innocent flirting would have remained flirting.” Believe me, I had no intention of meeting someone in real life. I can't even imagine this. I didn't mean to cheat on you.

- I'm sorry. I will delete my account tomorrow. I don’t need these acquaintances, none of this is serious. It's just... it's a game. I just wanted someone to admire me, to be interested...

“Wasn’t I interested in you?” – Lena felt her cheeks burning.

- Baby, let's go to sleep. It's already late. We'll talk tomorrow.

Lena was lying on the edge of the bed, curled up with her hand under her cheek. She wanted to turn around and hug Natasha to her, shower favorite face kisses, inhale the native smell. But she didn't move. She carefully studied the black silhouettes of furniture outlined in the darkness.

Most of all, she felt sorry for what had not been lived—their future together, which now might not happen. It's a pity for the days they could have spent together. Those places, sensations, joy and sadness, discoveries, impressions, tastes of food and wine, books, films, touches, smells, sunrises and sunsets, different countries, the cries of cicadas and the sound of sea waves, the simple joys of everyday life and countless cups of coffee that they could brew for each other in the morning...

So, I will share all this with myself and with other people,” Lena thought, “but forever, yes, I know, sadness will forever remain that it’s not with you...

Dawn broke on the street. She listened to the even breathing of the sleeping girl.

It's strange that I don't cry. I'll probably cry later. She clearly realized that this was the beginning. The beginning of their end.

August 2015

HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAKUP

Living in the past, you will never come to the future.

“I don’t want to part,” Sasha said barely audibly.

“Let me go,” Katya looked to the side.

It sounded like a plea.

“Let me go” - now these words echo in her head. She plugs her fingers into her ears and closes her eyes. He runs from these words through cities, train stations, countries. Through a series of flashing faces, colorful eyes, sweaty or well-groomed bodies. She hopes, desperately hopes, that when she returns to her home in the fall, the echo will disappear.

Her armpits smelled of the sea. This is probably why Sasha was so hopelessly attached to her. It was the smell of her childhood - tart, salty, fresh, intoxicating.

As a very little girl, her mother took her to her grandmother in Odessa for the summer. At the age of five, she had already learned to swim and dive superbly. The sea became for her a kind, gentle, understanding friend. It dissolved melancholy, washed away sadness, lulled sadness, and gave strength and hope. She turned into a dolphin. The endless expanse of the sea became her homeland.

After this, how is it possible to part with a girl whose armpits smell of the sea, childhood, and joy?

She loved to smell it. Slowly she raised her hand and with pleasure buried her nose in the tender hollow of her armpit. She caught a barely audible salty smell and closed her eyes. She winced with displeasure if she smelled an admixture of deodorant, as if her sea had been poisoned with vulgar chemicals.

Katya was with her, her sea was always nearby. Until something breaks. As the unforgettable Françoise Sagan wrote: “Love is beautiful in the beginning. It's even more beautiful in the middle. And after that it all depends on who gets tired first.” Katya was the first to get tired.

They broke up in early May. The cool light of the night lamp dimly illuminated the room.

Sasha approached her. She gently took her by the shoulders. The room became quiet. A predatory darkness swirled in the corners. And the air seemed dense, heavy and hot.

- What about the sea... how will I be without your sea scent? – said Sasha.

Katya didn't answer.

“No one else will smell the sea like you,” holding back tears, Sasha tried to look into her eyes.

- What?.. won’t he say?

- What do I smell like... the sea...

Sasha went to the dacha, plunging into the beginning of ringing June. I listened to the nightingales and inhaled the smell of newly blossoming lilacs. And I watched as soft twilight unobtrusively, carefully descended onto the earth. She watched the silent flight of the little bat. A shaggy, nimble animal was hunting for moths fluttering carelessly in the darkening garden. Do they know that in the cool of the blue hour, sharp-toothed, swift death awaits them?

“Today was a good night,” said Sasha, making morning tea, “I didn’t dream about it.”

She was tormented by dreams: she runs after her beloved, tries to grab her hand, calls and cries. But Katya melts, disappears into the crowd, leaving behind a subtle sea scent.

Previously, a good night was considered to be the night they had sex. Every month it happened less and less. Now I’ll be lucky if I don’t dream about her,” Sasha grinned. Well, she was lucky that night. She got out of bed and managed to smile.

She took the phone and twirled it in her fingers. We need to delete all SMS: all tenderness, love, passion. All the funny pet names they called each other. That's better. Don't get attached to words. These words are alive somewhere out there; in another dimension. Not here. Her fingers trembled slightly as she sent SMS into oblivion, it seemed to her that she was crushing and killing colorful fragile butterflies. They writhed, thrashed under her fingers and fluttered their wings in their death agony.

Taking a breath, she threw her cell phone on the table. And she froze, thought, peering into the lush greenery of the summer cottage. She tried to solve this monstrous puzzle: why? Why is everything like this? But this is without explanation. As the same Sagan wrote: “Don’t think about things like that, otherwise you’ll go crazy.”

We need to turn the page. Close the relationship. She was always amazed at people who did this with ease. Well, she's ready to learn it.

I didn’t want to return to Moscow. Her city is filled with memories. The last time, walking in the center with friends on a summer evening, she quickened her pace, trying to quickly pass the places where they had walked together. Here was their third date, and here they sat on the summer veranda of a cafe and dreamed about the future. The city is swollen with memories, it oozes with them. I want to wring it out like a wet rag and hang it on a clothesline under the scorching, merciless sun. Then the capital can be used again. Walk calmly along the streets, without shuddering from memories, without closing your eyes, without speeding up your pace. Give me back my city,” she whispered, staring at the spit-stained asphalt, “pristinely clean, not shooting out the scorching past!”

Their first kiss was public. They sat in the Coffee House, sipping Baileys. And they didn’t notice the people sitting around, the muffled buzz of the cafe and the waitress flashing past with a tenacious gaze and an imperturbable, sharp, thin face frozen like the face of a mummy. Sasha felt Katya’s closeness; she sat next to her on the sofa and lightly touched her with her elbow.

Katya opened a small leather backpack and began putting stones on the table.

- Here, they are from Vyborg. You asked me to bring you... - a week ago she returned from a trip to Vyborg, - I warmed the cold northern stones in my palms, thought about you and dreamed that we would meet again.

Katya looked into the backpack again and placed on the table a small figurine of a medieval knight, raising a sword high above his head.

“And this is me,” said Katya, “I give myself to you.” My friends always said that in life I am the Steadfast Tin Soldier.

Sasha stroked the figure and said quietly:

– I wonder... at what temperature does tin melt?

“Don’t worry, you’ve already managed to create that temperature.”

Katya was silent for a couple of seconds, examining her hands and quietly added:

- I'm already melting.

Katya turned her head and looked at Sasha with tenderness and hope. And then she brought her face closer and kissed her. The kiss was long. And when Sasha finally looked away from the hot lips and looked into the girl’s eyes, she clearly understood with delight, mixed with horror: a new era was beginning in her life.

Now she goes around this cafe. She runs away from him in panic.

She needs to lay out fresh ant trails of routes in her city. Fill the streets with fresh encounters, impressions, and delights. Kisses, after all! Explore new untrodden spaces. What is bad about Zamoskvorechye, say? She knows him so little. Sleepy, dilapidated, dying, delightful in its doom.

The city has become a dangerous trap. You need to plan your route with caution; It’s like you’re walking through a minefield of your memory, ready to explode at any moment and blow your head into hundreds of bloody pieces. She will become a sapper. Or not, or rather, a deserter. It looks like she has already become one.

In July, I received an SMS from a friend in Helsinki. She invited her to visit, promising an interesting, rich program. Yes, we have to go, Sasha thought, and remembered the words of Oscar Wilde: “Heal the soul with impressions.”

Entering the compartment of the carriage, she clearly understood that her journey was really desertion, flight. So be it. She must survive, be reborn to a new life. And she will use everything she can!

Sasha stayed at the hostel. During the day they wandered around Helsinki with Vika, and in the evening she was left alone and listened to herself.

Fat seagulls, screaming heart-rendingly, flew over the city, abundantly sprinkling the clothes of passers-by with whitish droppings. Birds landed on the heads of the monuments, and the brooding stone faces were covered with a thick layer of white guano. Seagulls unceremoniously gutted the trash cans, fighting each other for scraps. “Proud birds, sung by poets, called to fight the sea wind and fearlessly soar over the seas, what have you become,” thought Sasha, sitting on the lawn and finishing a can of beer hidden in a bag.

End of introductory fragment.

Every year interest in the LGBT community is becoming greater. People are increasingly open about their orientation and preferences. Coming out doesn't come as a shock when we read the news. And the rumors that Cara Delavigne has found herself new girl look boring and banal as much as the new passions of Leonardo DiCaprio look boring and banal. Despite such external openness and even the opportunity to legalize their relationships in some countries, there remain those who still treat homosexuals with hatred and contempt. And their percentage is also high.

I think that in every historical turn there are categories of people who are subject to deprivation. If you go deeper into history, these people used to be Jews and African-Americans; pagans and Islamists were subjected to hatred. There are always those who do not fit into the social norm, but any deviation can be not only exclusively negative, but also positive. It is worth noting that in a global sense, the world can only exist in a balanced mode, and the theory of evolution justifies homosexuals as a way to balance the population. People only hate what they do not know, what they are not used to. Adherents of the patriarchal system do not tolerate non-traditional relationships, because in them there is no possibility of conceiving and giving birth to a child. But is it worth talking about the percentage of adoptive parents, as well as those who use eco and give birth naturally? Is it worth talking about the percentage of heterosexual families in which there is simply no man? Is it worth saying that a person does not choose whom to love?

The unconventional becomes traditional if it is passed down from generation to generation and accepted by the majority. That is, we can assume that in 50 years in countries where same-sex marriage is considered the norm, they will finally get used to homosexuals.

Olga and Katya
Oddly enough, our acquaintance developed in a more than banal way. We found each other on the same social network when I was in Minsk and Katyusha was temporarily living in India. We started texting across time zones. And then it turned out that it was simply impossible to live without a phone. You see, you wake up with your phone, you go to sleep with it, you eat and you work. When Katya arrived, the first and only date did not take long to arrive. We didn’t manage to meet a second time, because we immediately started living together.
To be honest, I never liked the word lesbian. It's just terrible, there's no beauty in it. We can probably be considered simply open people. I am far from all these conventions. We certainly don’t lead a reclusive life, but we don’t go to parades with rainbow flags either.
My mother first heard from me about my tastes when I was 12-13 years old, I think she began to guess even earlier. Were different times in her attitude to my choice, but this is understandable. Now my mother and I are friends, and for her I am the most best child. I think to some extent I failed to fulfill her hopes and dreams, but she never talks about it.
There are no problems with society. I was always hired, and I never felt violated in my rights, only because I love women. I think it all depends on the person - I have always been loved, respected and appreciated, no matter where I worked. With the advent of Mikel, nothing has changed, there is bewilderment, but we are not accosted on the streets, and they do not throw stones at us. Judging by social networks, among our subscribers there are many hetero couples who watch and admire us. This is great.
To be honest, I don’t remember a single time that we brought up the topic of having children. If you remember, we didn’t even have a second date. The story is like this. One day we were going about our business and passing a regular antenatal clinic, we stopped. Katya came into the office fully dressed in motorcycle gear and said that she wanted to become a mother. That's how it all started. The following year she gave me a daughter. Has our life changed? Of course yes, in absolutely everything, a “new girl” has appeared in our house, who is now stealing all our time. Every day we teach her something new, and she, in turn, teaches us something.
I never seriously thought about legitimizing our relationship. I don’t see the point of getting married in a country where it’s just a fiction. What will this paper do? I believe that all marriages are made in heaven, and it’s enough for me that we are a family, we have a wonderful daughter, I love and respect my girls. And I don’t need any papers or certificates for this.

Snezhana and Sveta
It all started when I downloaded the Enjoy app - it’s like Tinder, only for girls. The dialogue with Sveta was one of the first; we joked awkwardly and agreed to drink beer, which I did not take seriously. To be honest, I didn’t think that the first meeting would have such a strong impact on our future. The next meeting took place a couple of days later, and then we were unstoppable.
Literally a month later I was almost living with Sveta; the official move took place after 4 months of relationship. At the moment, we have been together for a year, time flies, we are happy. My mother treats Sveta very well, we visit each other, moreover, our last vacation, from which we returned a couple of days ago, was also a joint vacation, you know, a family vacation.
Sveta’s parents don’t know about her sexuality, but I can assume that, like many sensitive parents, they guess.
When we walk down the street, we almost always hold hands; tactile contact always occurs. We are sincere and do not hide our feelings and emotions when they ask to come out. For what? It's true that we can't afford to kiss public place, unless only furtively and when no one sees. People react differently. Someone laughs, someone looks with a questioning gaze, there are a lot of condemning people, but we don’t care, we love and are not going to live the way others want to live.
We are always together and I simply cannot imagine life without her, and I never cease to thank the universe for such a gift. Of course, I would like to get married, but what is happening in Russia, or rather what is not happening at all, prevents this. I often ask myself a question. Why can't we live a normal life like other people live? We are equal. Why should we suffer and infringe on our feelings, hide, be afraid of being judged and rejected? Why should we be afraid to kiss each other when we meet? This is a global and sad topic, but there is no other way. We are all the same people, just with a different story. And we all, deep down in our souls, sincerely hope that someday something will change in our country.

Lera and Lera
I dedicate my story to people who believe that their “good” is good for everyone, and someone else’s point of view has no right to exist.
It all started 8 years ago when I met my beloved female person. This was the birth of something many times more than just friendship, and in the future it turned into a union of two soulmates. It all happened thanks to a site with online diaries that was popular at that time. Then all sorts of messengers of those times, tons of text discussing almost any topic, but not personal information and history. We saw photos of each other after 4-5 years of communication, and met in person after six months of starting a long-distance relationship. Everything happened as it should have happened - and a couple of months later I moved to another city to live with her. I have been here for three years now: studying, working. A year ago, we finally started living together - both joy and torment (for people with an urgent need for personal space).
Despite all our attempts, we are both not yet fully autonomous, and our parents may demand something. It should be noted here that my family, although diverse, is far from the traditional model. Take, for example, my father’s tattoos, nipple and ear piercings, and my mother’s same-sex experiments in her youth. But they never demanded a husband and children from me. When my parents found out about my real reason for moving to another city, they were not happy. But on the other hand, they couldn’t do anything. So until now no one discusses the topic of homosexuality. The girl’s parents are much more conservative than mine, but their position is the same - to close their eyes.
We have never had problems with society, I think, for two obvious reasons: we do not declare anything openly and do not look somehow atypical. One activist chided us for our passivity and unwillingness to prove to society that we are normal and simply want to defend our rights. But I can say for myself, I do not believe in the mythical possibility of building a new humane system of values ​​within our country, into which homosexuals will fit. No, this clearly will not happen during my lifetime. Therefore, no actions or public debates. I do not want to bring some sense to those who have convinced themselves in advance that their point of view is unbreakable.
I am not afraid of the lack of rights for LGBT citizens of Russia; I am afraid of the lack of rights for all citizens. Life in Russia is unpromising both for ordinary citizens and for LGBT people (but when you are gay, there is definitely more fire and life is “more fun”). There is no future for us in Russia, so a master’s degree in Europe is our way out.

Alina and Maria
We met in the 3rd year, and before that we studied in the same stream. During this time, we only talked a couple of times, there was interest in each other, but Masha was in a relationship, and by the way, I was also dating a guy.
When we began to communicate closely, I found out about her “real” orientation; it turned out that she noticed me as soon as we entered the university. I didn’t have girls before Masha.
Parents reacted differently. Her father and my mother thought it was strange, but they accepted it and did not judge it. Now Masha and her mother have become very close. She often comes to our house. As for Masha’s mother, when she found out, she kicked her out of the house. And everything there was really creepy, but that was before me, so I won’t go into details. What upsets me most is my father's attitude towards this, because he is very clever man, who is sure that homosexuality is a disease.
Society. I remember how at the beginning of our relationship all sorts of freaks came up to us on the street with some vague questions. But it quickly passed. I can't even imagine what this is connected with. My close friends and classmates reacted sensibly, even positively. Some of them were even offended that we hid it for so long. If we see someone whispering when they see us, we smile. There is no point in keeping negativity inside if you are happy.
After graduating from university, we plan to live together, even though it is difficult. We will rent an apartment and work so that we can buy housing in the future.

Olga and Larisa
We met 5 years ago, at the birthday party of Larisa’s girlfriend at the time. At that moment I was free, Larisa seemed beautiful and smart, but I was not interested at all. After all, she was in a relationship, and that was enough for me.
One day I couldn’t sleep, and I decided to chat with someone, and Larisa was the only person online. We talked until the morning, and I found out that Larisa is now also free. Afterwards we talked constantly, and a week later we agreed to meet. Literally a month later we started living together.
I had never lived with a girl before, somehow I always remained within the family nest. But every time I appeared at home less and less, I had to tell why. Mom didn’t say anything special and took everything calmly. Later we talked to her, and she said that she loves me and since this is my choice, then she accepts it. There were problems with other relatives, namely with my brother and sister. Ultimately, everyone got used to it. We have become very friendly and go to visit each other and celebrate holidays together. But Larisa’s parents did not accept their daughter’s choice. Of course, they communicate, but in every conversation mom makes it clear that she doesn’t like all this.
How did society react? I have no idea. We don’t talk about it on purpose, we behave decently and don’t kiss on the street. I think that many people guess about our relationship. But we are already adults and we have not cared about the opinions of others for a long time. We opened up to people who are dear to us and with whom we want to communicate in life. These are our friends, all of them of traditional orientation, with families and children. By the way, they accepted us without any reproaches. We try not to be frank with others.
For two years now we have been living not together, but three. Larisa gave birth to a son - a beautiful and cheerful baby. We came to this consciously. We decided that there should be even more love in our family, that we simply needed another bright ray of sunshine. The father of the child was Larisa’s long-time friend, whom they met on one of the sites, especially for the birth of the child. He is a gay. There was no talk of any clinics. He came to our home, collected biomaterial into a syringe and handed it to me. It happened 3 times. And everything was great, we even gave birth together. In the near future I am also going to become a mother. Of course, some legal difficulties arise. After all, from the point of view of the law, we are strangers to each other. For example, I couldn’t get to the hospital when Larisa and the baby were admitted for examination, since only relatives were allowed in. But it was government agency, in paid there are different rules. For money, people are ready not to neglect you, so you have to pay.
Of course, we think about the child’s future, and our opinions differ a little. I am increasingly thinking about how to correctly explain to a child why mom lives with Olya and not with dad, and so on. Larisa says that the problem must be solved as it arises. Despite all this, we will try to raise our children so that they do not have to feel any inconvenience in life.

Anya and Dasha
Anya fell in love with me first, as is commonly believed in our couple. But to be honest, I was attracted to her even when I saw her photo. It depicted a girl in a T-shirt, with a short haircut, a strong-willed look and a lit cigarette. I love visual art, or maybe I'm just impressionable. But the photo seemed very powerful to me, Anya seemed courageous and daring. In general - a complete set.
When we met, the world turned upside down. Anya turned out to be not rude at all, but at the same time, calling me “beautiful,” the vibes were definitely masculine. You know, when a man compliments you, you feel something like that. It is worth noting that I had not communicated so closely with women before, although some tried to show me signs of attention. I don’t know what this is connected with.
I hadn’t dated girls before Anya, and I can’t say that the fact that she was a girl made me happy. I suffered and suffered from fear of public opinion for a very long time, as did my parents and friends. It was terribly scary. But something impossibly pulled me towards her. For half a year we just talked, went to exhibitions and movies, took pictures (Anya is a photographer), drank cognac together and lived this life like this. Happy together too. A lot happened during this time. Anya broke up with the girl, and I... And I loved her with all my heart. I fell in love with the person in her, first of all. But I had to get used to gender.
We had a great time together and everything started to work out. I kissed her first, then one day I left home with a big suitcase. I left not because I wanted to live together, but I just wanted to leave. But it turned out like this. Family life seemed even more cheerful and joyful to me. After all, there was no need to part, and it was always sad. After a while, Anya gave me a ring. And if it was possible to sign, then I think we would be the first in line.
We love each other and do not hide our feelings, we always walk by the hand, kiss and laugh, Anya carries me in her arms, we can say that we live life to the fullest. This will sound strange, but people love us and not just those on the Internet. We are often told that we are beautiful and unusual. And it seems to me that it’s about the love that lives in the heart. It spreads to the people around and makes them a little kinder.
We have been dating for 2.5 years, of which we have been living together for one and a half years and have no plans to separate. It’s too early to talk about children, but no one excludes the possibility that someday we will decide. In the meantime, we are planning to get a cat. I love Anya very much, I know that she will read this, so I will say it again. I love you Ann.

In conclusion, I just want to say that love is the best feeling on earth that cannot be discriminated against. Love each other at all costs, give yourself to each other. And I really hope that everyone will find that same soul mate.

I Loved Her: True Stories of Same-Sex Love was last modified: February 13, 2017 by Dasha Krasnova