My wife is shy about what to do. Keyhole: "My wife and I are shy in bed

It is clear that when a husband drinks, beats, does not live at home - there is something to be ashamed of. And it is better not to be ashamed, but to immediately run away. But sometimes women are embarrassed by too good husbands. They hide their goodness from acquaintances and complain about it to psychologists.

Shame can be defined as an unpleasant experience due to the fact that your actions do not correspond to the value system. Therefore, of course, it is strange to be ashamed that your husband is handsome. Or caring. Or gentle... But beauty can be equated with homosexuality. A caring husband is called a henpecked husband, and a gentle one is a rag. And - oops! You have good reason for shame and disgrace. But all the same, not for oneself, but for another (which in itself contradicts the definition of shame).

In general, with this shame such a topic is complicated. Quite often, guilt is masked under it, which in itself can have thousands of reasons. And often fears are transformed into shame. A woman thinks that she is ashamed of her husband, but in fact she is ashamed of herself - in front of her parents for her choice or in front of some internal rule because she "betrays" him. Conditionally: she was supposed to continue the dynasty and marry a military man, but she married an artist. Of course, he is not very courageous, he does not even have the right to bear arms - what a shame!

Shame can have many more causes, and they must be carefully and closely considered in each specific case. You can not immediately run to a psychologist, ask yourself this question: “Is it really so important for me that my loved one does this (looks like this)? How does his behavior (image) threaten me and my loved ones? It may well turn out that it does not threaten, and it is not so important. And then to hell with shame. But if the unpleasant feeling still remains, then this is already your psychological problem, but on your husband. Here are five of the strangest causes of female shame that I have encountered in my practice.

He is shorter than me

Variations: he is bald, he is fat, and any other related to physical data. But if a man could go bald and get fat in the process of living together, then growth - final and unchanged - by the time of the wedding was probably obvious ... And now she wants to go with him to the theater or to the cinema, for a birthday, a party, but "she is forced to refuse" . Here is an unexperienced attitude: I will be laughed at. What will they laugh at? For taking less than I could? It turns out that a woman is not ashamed of her husband, but of herself: she did not manage to raise more. There is some complex there - a set of attitudes that prevent you from enjoying happiness with your loved one.

He is too handsome (well-groomed)

This is strange. Usually, women are reproaches that men are sloppy, do not take care of themselves, their dirty nails, spiky beards, worn shoes and stretched pants ... But there is also a reverse, also a common story - too well-groomed man are shy. And here I will give the same advice again: look for the problem in yourself. What scares you about his behavior?

In most cases, we are talking about layering fears and stereotypes. It is traditionally believed that caring for appearance is a feminine trait. If it manifests itself in a man, then he is not masculine enough. And this means that he will not be able to protect, feed, take out of the fire on his hands ... In general, a woman does not feel protected (and she saw the meaning of marriage in this) - and tries to find clear explanations for her anxiety. Appearance is very clear!

He has no complexes at all.

There are some men who share women's duties with pleasure. They are interested in exploring the shelves in stores (including lingerie), they are lisping with children and (oh no!) buy pads and condoms! And they put them in the cart on top of the products, they don’t hide them ...

He has an unprestigious profession

Nowadays, especially in big cities, women have many opportunities to satisfy their ambitions. In some areas, a woman leader is generally the rule. And the husband is lagging behind ... he can be a builder or a driver. The wife cannot tell anyone that she is so successful, and he is a simple guy. It even comes to this that even if the husband’s salary does not reach quite a bit, then everything is a shame. This shame is based on a subconscious attitude: a man is a breadwinner. And if the wife has achieved more, then, if something happens, the husband will not be able to provide for the family, he will not be able to protect. The voice of hidden fear is heard here. Because if you are already provided with everything, then what are we talking about? And what kind of situation do you see in which he will not be able to protect you?

"It's just a rag, not a man." It seems that he is respected at work, and he gets along well with children, and he settled the conflict with his neighbors, but he needs the constant support of his wife. He tells her about his problems, asks for advice. And a normal man should be an unshakable support and decide everything himself.

The funny thing is that the same girls will be terribly offended if a man starts to decide everything himself and puts them before the fact. But what about equality? But how to consult? Shame for a man who is always asking for advice and needs support masks a spontaneous desire to at least sometimes shift responsibility to others.

The man who decided everything himself, barked good and immediately put everyone in their place - this is the dream of those who do not know how to use freedom, who want to be decided for them. And now they will decide for them, and you can say calmly: “You ruined my whole life.” And it doesn't seem to be her fault.

He is too caring

The complaint is formulated as "morally, the husband is weaker than me." A man who has taken on "women's" duties - cooks porridge, feeds children, washes floors and brings tea to the table of a working woman - is perceived as an unmanly man. And if he also does not show jealousy and does not dictate conditions (with whom to meet, what time to come home, when to go to bed), then in women's eyes he is a weakling. Here we are talking about the same archaic female fear: "he will not be able to protect." Associatively for many strong = rude. Here you need to look for whom (from what) a woman wants to defend herself.

You have been together for a long time, maybe you have children, and you are not a hypocrite at all. But there are some delicate moments that you can’t talk about with your girlfriends. You want to become the best lover in the world for him, but you don’t know how to stop being ashamed of your husband in sex.

Your man loves you and wants you, and everything seems to be fine. Only having sex gradually becomes not bright moments, but a kind of family ritual on schedule. He probably dreams of something forbidden, sweet.

Surely many modern girls do not wonder how to stop being shy about a guy. You also want to stop being shy and blush in front of your loved one, radiate passion and confidence in bed, light it up, as in the first months. In the meantime, instead of joy and anticipation of ecstasy with your husband in sex, you experience fear. And you turn off the lights when you have sex in a familiar position that has become so comfortable over the years of living together. You understand everything, but you can’t overcome shyness and just suddenly loosen up.

The nature of female modesty

Psychology in modern society gives a lot of advice on the topic: how to become self-confident. The methods offered by some "specialists" do not really help build relationships. Women are offered to stop being shy of people, get rid of complexes and overcome shyness with the help of self-love. It remains unclear how this should work - is it possible that exaggerating one's own importance will help create trust where it does not exist?

To begin with, we propose to understand the causes of female shyness with the help of Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology. Exactly the opposite, system-vector psychology shows that the root of our troubles and dissatisfaction is not in a lack of self-love, but in a misunderstanding of the desires and characteristics of another person. In our case, in a weak idea of ​​​​what your man wants.

To get rid of shame in front of a loved one, it is equally important to understand the nature of shame. System-vector psychology very accurately shows the causes of natural shame, female and male.

The nature of female shame is a kind of tool that allows the human species to maintain itself.

A woman "smells" - and with her pheromones attracts a man, causing him to desire. And shame in this case is a natural regulator: she does not smell of everyone, but only of one whom she chooses. A man who provides and protects his wife and children must be sure that it is his gene pool that will continue in time.

The problem with today's men and women is that we're losing shame where it should be and experiencing it where it shouldn't be. For example, in a relationship with a loved one. This prevents a woman from truly opening up, stop being shy, getting naked and trusting her husband in sex. Often, both false attitudes and imposed stereotypes interfere. All these barriers can be easily worked through by understanding their real causes with the help of system-vector psychology and understanding how to build trusting and close relationships.

How to stop being ashamed of your body

The most common shame in a woman is that her body does not match the man's ideas of beauty. That is, a woman is embarrassed by her “imperfection” and is simply afraid to appear naked in front of her husband in sex.

Women tend to think that men are primarily attracted to looks. Although each met with such a phenomenon, when some of the familiar women, not possessing external attractiveness, are of particular interest to men.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains this phenomenon and confirms that it is not a matter of external attractiveness. And in ... the smell. And yes, we are talking about the very pheromones that men smell and simply cannot resist natural desire.

Therefore, there is absolutely no need to change the appearance. You just need to take care of yourself, dress with taste and keep yourself in shape.

By the way, excess weight- also one of the reasons to be shy of her husband in sex. But in fact, the opposite is true. Those women who have a lack of pleasure gain excess weight.

We eat unfulfilled desires, we try to fill ourselves with food, and it is not enough for us all the time, because the lack of pleasure from life cannot be filled with food. So it turns out mutual responsibility - we don’t get pleasure with my husband in sex, because excess weight interferes, and excess weight appears from a lack of pleasure from life, including in sex.

How to stop being ashamed of your husband in sex, talking to him about the secret

People are a talking species. The Word has been given to us so that we can communicate with one another. Your man cannot guess about your desires (of course, only if he has not been trained in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan). And you experience unpleasant feelings, you start to stutter and blush when it comes to “shameful”.

What and how do we talk to each other? How do we talk about ourselves? Talking in a couple about the innermost is what the relationship begins with. And here the woman always plays the first violin role. She opens up, exposes herself to a man emotionally and thus creates a special relationship in a couple that becomes deeper and stronger day by day.

She invisibly strengthens trust in the union of two, bringing it to such an ideal when the boundaries of personalities are blurred and a man and a woman become one indivisible whole. This is the apotheosis of love, and it is achievable in any pair.

It becomes easy to expose your body when your soul is open to each other. A woman who is able to speak frankly with her husband on any topic and is sincerely interested in his desires can calmly and without fear of condemnation talk to him about her desires in sex.

Get rid of shyness and enjoy

In order to stop being shy in front of your husband in sex, you must first of all realize yourself, the origins and causes of your states.

Indeed, many fears and stereotypes do not come from our true natural essence, but are only imposed by culture, religion, parental attitudes. Feelings once ridiculed by a loved one, a rude comment about the features of the body, and even out of place words can also leave a negative mark. curse words. All this pinches us, does not allow us to fully open up and trust our partner.

At the training in system-vector psychology, you will learn how shame is formed, where its natural place is, and where it should not be, where it spoils a person’s life. After several sessions, students notice that it is much easier for them to open up in relationships, stop being shy, liberate themselves in sex and create a special intimacy in a couple.

“... I began to better understand my desires and the desires of my beloved man. I feel like falling in love again with what has already become familiar. Now thoughts like: “Why did he say / act like that?” do not even arise in my head. Sex and reproduction are fundamentally different things. People make children in the same way, but this does not mean that their sexuality is the same. We are accustomed to seeing others through ourselves and - even more dramatic - to believe that others should guess something themselves ... Therefore, we talk, talk and talk again about sex ... "

“... I learned incredible things about our mentality, about the relationship of male and female, about connection, trust, security, intimacy and much more. I looked at ordinary things from a slightly different angle ... and they did not frighten me, but on the contrary, I felt a little easier, calmer in some cases even joyfully.

Now I can voice. what I really want from my husband. Previously, this was beyond description, and this led to irritability and tightness, up to aggression. Now a lot has changed. I became calmer, just like in the first year of our life together, I can simply rejoice in his presence.

Many dogmas on female sexuality now seem ridiculous and ridiculous to me. I am learning to re-create an emotional connection with my husband - and I can say with confidence - IT IS INCREDIBLE FEELINGS. I became calmer. I became more confident. I became happier. THANKS…"