Is it possible for a teenager to lose weight without dieting? And why no diets? In adolescence, the child's body more than ever needs not only enough vitamins and minerals, but also calories. This is an intensive phase of growth and physical formation. And of course, it implies the passage of puberty. Therefore, hard and exhausting diets are not only undesirable, but also extremely contraindicated in adolescence.

If a child is allowed everything and there are no prohibitions, he will gradually turn into a little devil. And if you constantly reprimand or forbid for something, you will grow up a notorious creature with a lack of will. Therefore, in raising children, adhere to the golden mean.

The child has the closest and native person- it's mom. Dads play, so to speak, a “second role” in the life of a baby. It is the father who can direct his son or daughter to the right path. Parents have different functions in raising a child, which complement each other. In other words, dad can give in raising a baby something that mom can’t and vice versa.

How often the joy of having a baby is replaced by irritation and anger as a new family member grows up. A heavy load of grievances, claims, and misunderstanding accumulates. Imperceptibly, alienation turns into an unbridgeable abyss.

Behind the difficult periods of infancy, when you did not sleep, watching the development of the child by months, behind kindergarten, ahead of admission to grade 1, an exciting student life. The task of parents is to ensure that preschool preparation for school provides him with comfortable learning, entry into the student team.

Often, parents are faced with situations where their baby seeks by any means and means to bring each assignment to an ideal result. And it’s time to rejoice at such diligence, because it’s great if the work is done well and with soul.

Often, however, the pursuit of perfection turns into obsessive perfectionism when the child becomes their own worst critic. What distinguishes a little perfectionist and how to rid him of impeccability?

Let's say right away that it will be quite difficult to cope with the desire of children to achieve the ideal. You will need not only to work hard with the child, but also to reconsider your views on children's upbringing. Today we will tell you how to do this carefully so as not to inadvertently cause psychological trauma to the baby.

Signs of Perfectionism in a Child

The little perfectionist is very diligent and hardworking, he likes to put everything on the shelves, he always follows the rules. In his school notebook you will not take away bad grades and ugly letters, and his room is distinguished by rare cleanliness and order.

It would seem that there is nothing wrong with this, however, under the external impeccability of the child, the fear of mistakes, self-doubt, suspiciousness and low self-esteem are often hidden.

Psychologists are sure that if the necessary measures are not taken in childhood, then in adulthood such a "pedant" will face numerous difficulties - both in the public and in the personal sphere.

How to distinguish the executive child, from the kid striving for an unattainable ideal?

Children can be called perfectionists if they:

• spend too much time on the task, are slow and scrupulous;
• redo the work done and rewrite the text if it seems to them that they are not quite perfect;
• take any criticism with hostility and are hard-pressed because of the slightest remark;
• afraid of mistakes up to refusal of activity. Any failure for them is a real disaster;
• require assessments from parents and other significant adults, and for any, even the most insignificant reasons;
• they do not like to discuss their own mistakes and failures with mom and dad;
• h too picky about details and trifles;
• set themselves elusive goals, and then begin to blame themselves for not being able to fulfill them.

Of course, the list of the main features of a perfectionist is far from complete, but we can already conclude that such character traits can significantly complicate the lives of children.

Reasons for perfectionism in children

The “excellent student” syndrome, which is what perfectionism is also called, occurs at an early age. And the reason for this is the wrong behavior of parents who seek to realize their own desires in their children. What else leads to perfectionism?

1. Adults have high hopes for the child, wanting to see him as a successful and accomplished person. Children's desires and objections are not taken into account, since mom and dad "themselves know" what is best for him.
2. A method of education in which there is no place for praise and encouragement. Fear of punishment or another reprimand leads to the fact that children strive to be perfect. By the way, such authoritarianism can lead to a nervous breakdown or anger at loved ones.
3. Sometimes a child tries to attract parental attention with excessive diligence, becoming an excellent student and the best student in the class. Experts also point out that such pedantry is a kind of protection from problems in the family.
4. Comparison with a more successful peer or older brother causes jealousy in children and a desire to prove to mom and dad that they are no worse. From here one step to a nervous strain.
5. One of the spouses (or both) is also a perfectionist, which means that he is simply not able to appreciate the methods of education that he uses in relation to the child.
6. In addition, temperament and character traits also make a significant contribution to the emergence of perfectionism. A sensitive and anxious baby is more likely to become a person striving for perfection.

How to overcome perfectionism in children?

First of all, perseverance and achievement motivation should not be confused with perfectionism.

If the first two qualities bring the child only positive, then in the second case, he goes to the goal through fatigue, isolation and even depression. What do psychologists recommend in this case?

If your offspring makes excessive demands on himself and others, strives for an ideal result in work, then you will have to spend a lot of effort in the fight against children's perfectionism. Believe yourself and explain to your child that self-development, gaining new knowledge and skills, the ability to enjoy discoveries are much more important than high marks.

The character of children is formed along with the growth of socialization and the development of ideas about the world around them. The wider the circle of communication of the child, the greater the diversity of human destinies, characters and lifestyles. When children are very young, close people love them with unconditional love, simply for the fact that they exist. Older children are already beginning to have certain performance expectations, appearance or choice future profession. In addition, the circle of people who appreciate him for his achievements, and not for what he is, is also increasing. These are educators kindergarten, teachers elementary school, trainers or subject teachers. But the desire to be successful in everything can lead to serious mental problems in a child.

Surely many people have friends who always had perfect order at home as a child - a carefully cleaned room without a single speck of dust, textbooks always standing in their place and done on time homework. Such people did well in all subjects, even good grades upset them. In adulthood, they continue to strive for the ideal - a successful career and the ideal upbringing of their own children.

Most often, the roots of perfectionism can be found in the family. Already in junior before school age The perfectionist child learns that parental love must be earned through good behavior. Further, he will strive to please the educator, teacher or coach. If the teacher criticizes children, then they may get a tendency to underestimate self-esteem, or, conversely, begin to increase their performance to ideal.

Parents striving for certain achievements in a child often do not listen to his true desires and inclinations. An A in school is the best indicator of success. "Four" - already a reason for bewilderment and disappointment, not to mention the lower marks. But a perfectionist child is not able to truly rejoice in his successes - after all, there are still many unconquered “tops” ahead.

Consequences of perfectionism for the psyche of children

The psyche of a perfectionist child can be unstable. Companions of excellent students at school are often neuroses and psychosomatic diseases caused by lack of sleep or decreased immunity. A perfectionist is afraid of the new because of a possible failure, they think more about the mistakes made and the “non-ideal” of their work, they painfully perceive criticism. If the started business, in their opinion, is not done perfectly, then they leave it, experiencing a lot of negative emotions.

Many families mistakenly believe that children's perfectionism can lead to a new level of development. But adults often forget that a child needs to learn to experience not only successes, but also failures. So the child's psyche will develop more harmoniously. The constant pursuit of the ideal can poison life, not only because of fear of parental discontent, but also because of a growing inferiority complex that prevents you from moving forward.

The fear of failure that haunts a participant in a reporting concert or a student of a sports school absorbs energy. As a result, the child not only does not achieve the desired ideal, but also makes even more mistakes. Obsessive fear has a devastating effect on the mental health of the child, leading to neurosis or depression.

Not in the best way perfectionism affects parent-child relationship. The child fears failure and hides it for fear of judgment or conflict. If relationships in the family are built according to an authoritarian scheme, then there is no place for trust and unconditional acceptance of the child. This leads to serious problems already in adulthood.

If the family is aware of the unconditional harm of perfectionism to the mental health of the child, then it is necessary to analyze the methods of education and change their behavior towards him. In many cases, either the father himself in childhood were victims of parental perfectionism. But many are reconsidering the parenting model and no longer want the same childhood for their own child.

Good or satisfactory grades at school are not always the result of insufficient mental development of the student. He may not show interest in a particular topic or lose motivation for other reasons. The reluctance to strive for victories in sports is not always caused by insufficient training. A child has the right not to get involved in sports or music, just like an adult.

Of course, every parent wants to see an "improved copy of themselves" in their child. He wants the child not to repeat his failures in school or career, to strive for more or better. Some families calmly accept temporary failures of the child, and in them the parent-child relationship is much friendlier and warmer than in those where the child is constantly required to achieve.

A perfectionist believes that without academic achievement or extracurricular activities, he will not be worthy of parental love. Many examples can be cited when “threes” achieved much greater success in life than “excellent students”. A mother or father who is unable to accept their child often criticizes him or compares him to others. This does not improve family relations.

Adults who have learned the harm of perfectionism are ready to help the child give up this negative habit. They teach him that in life there is a place not only for success, but also for failures, and it is important to be able to experience them. For a child, not only approval is important, but also fair criticism indicating the merits and demerits of the work - a drawing, composition or performance at a concert.

Many families today strive not to leave their child idle for a minute, giving him to numerous circles and sections. But excessive workload does not lead to success, but to a complete lack of desire to do anything. A child of preschool or school age should have time to relax after school.

Great inventions, masterpieces of world art and literature were not created immediately. Therefore, the child needs to learn that human life consists not only of victories, but also of a considerable number of defeats. And they must be accepted with dignity and without fear to move forward.

Shutterstock photo materials used

Working side by side with a perfectionist - a person who "always knows what's best", notices the slightest flaws and inaccuracies and strives for an unattainable ideal in everything - is a heavy burden. But is it so easy for the perfectionist himself?

The editors of The Point figured out what the essence and causes of this phenomenon are, in what professions perfectionism is desirable and even necessary, and how to get rid of it if it interferes with life. We were helped in this by a psychologist, trainer, expert in managing emotions Alina Kotenko, as well as a psychologist, coach Olga Kovalskaya.

Geniuses and bores

When the Spanish architect Antonio Gaudi was asked why he depicts the smallest sculptural details of the Sagrada Familia so filigreely, because no one would see them at such a height, Gaudi replied: “How can anyone? And the angels?" Modern psychologists define this approach in work and in life as perfectionism, that is, the desire for excellence.

Most of the great works of art, literature and music were created by people with perfectionist tendencies. The same can be said about great discoveries in science. Picasso, Nietzsche and Jobs are pronounced perfectionists who have created a new quality in their work and business, polishing every smallest detail. This makes them geniuses, and their products become part of history.

But are all perfectionists geniuses? Not at all. But there is nothing wrong with striving to do your job at the highest, even super-high level. After all, for example, if there is a need, then everyone would like to get an operation to a perfectionist surgeon. And everyone would be calmer if the nuclear power plants and air traffic were managed by meticulous professionals, attentive to every detail of their work. So, if you are considered a perfectionist, then it is not so bad. Unless your desire for perfection takes on a pathological form that can turn you into a terrible bore, harassing yourself and everyone around you with nitpicking.

“In modern psychology, it is customary to separate “normal” and “pathological” (neurotic) perfectionism, explains Alina Kotenko. - Under normal conditions, a person's desire for high standards in everything is harmoniously integrated into the personality structure. With pathological - the desire for excellence "at any cost", including at the expense of health, psychological well-being and other areas of life.

Recognize a perfectionist

Recognizing the fine line between normal and pathological perfectionism is not so easy for an outside observer. Most perfectionists act very confident on the outside, but often feel frustrated, exhausted, and underappreciated on the inside. Normal or unhealthy perfectionism is defined precisely at the level of internal sensations and feelings that the perfectionist himself experiences.

According to the psychologist, a healthy perfectionist tries to excel at what he does and enjoys the effort. A job well done brings him satisfaction and self-esteem. “He sets realistic and reasonable goals, is emotionally involved in activities, improves their quality and achieves excellent results. At the same time, he rejoices in his own strength and the results of his work,” explains Alina Kotenko.

But for pathological perfectionists, no amount of effort is enough. “They are never satisfied with themselves, they are desperately trying to avoid mistakes and failures,” the expert says. “Criticism and any circumstances affecting self-esteem plunge them into intense negative experiences and distress, up to mental disorders, migraines and sexual dysfunction.”

Psychologists have identified a number of distinctive features of the system of internal beliefs, by which one can recognize a pathological perfectionist in oneself:

Everything in life is either right or wrong, and only two colors prevail in the world - black and white.
The result is important at any cost, not the process.
If not perfect, then nothing is better.
The feeling of satisfaction from what has been achieved is either absent or short-lived. There are always new “bars” that you have to reach for with all your might.
When something goes wrong, or you fail to reach a given level, it means that you are a loser.
You are constantly in a competitive field and it is difficult for you to cooperate with other people, since they are all rivals.
It seems to you that people who do not strive for excellence secretly condemn you, but appreciate you only for your achievements, and not personal qualities
You are constantly looking for acceptance, approval, praise of others, but at the same time you are not able to accept yourself as you are.

Perfection Code

Perfectionism can manifest itself in early childhood. This was proved by one of the experiments conducted at Yorkshire University in Toronto: a group of 4-5-year-old children were asked to use a computer to solve a problem that had no solution. When they failed, some children became angry and anxious, which revealed their perfectionist tendencies, while others were not particularly upset.

Psychologists believe that the foundation of perfectionism is laid in childhood through relationships with parents and others. important people. Perfectionist parents are usually overly critical, demanding, and the child is forced to remain "perfect" in order to meet their expectations and avoid criticism. The little perfectionist is always striving to win parental approval: "If I try harder, if I become perfect, my parents will love me."

“The environment of the child outside the family also influences the formation of perfectionism,” adds Alina Kotenko. “If, for example, a class teacher highlights the achievements of excellent students too much, devalues ​​the results of other students, and there are outsiders in the class, to whom a negative attitude is also deliberately formed, then competition and an unhealthy attitude towards achievements will develop in such a class.”

Player, not coach

The neurotic desire for perfection can have unfortunate consequences in adult life. Often a perfectionist, out of fear of failure, simply sabotages any actions or falls into the so-called "decision paralysis", thinking for a very long time and double-checking many times before taking a step. In a dynamic and rapidly changing market, such behavior, for example, by a manager can simply destroy a business.

“The unhealthy perfectionism of a manager can play a cruel joke on a business: while the proposed program or product is being “licked out”, someone on the market will release a completely viable version, focusing on the “good” rating, comments Olga Kovalskaya. “In addition, the perfectionism of the boss makes life and work unbearable for subordinates.” As the expert says, you can work productively with such a boss only if you specify unambiguous criteria for the ideal state of solving the problem: “Otherwise, the boss will always be dissatisfied. And who likes to be guilty without guilt?"

At the same time, perfectionist employees are very useful for the successful work of the team, says British psychologist Meredith Belben. In his business model, a professional team must have an organizer, an inspirer who offers ideas, there must be performers, and the question is - when is a perfectionist needed? According to the psychologist, at the stage of completion of the project, when the enthusiasm of all participants decreases and many are ready to do it "and so it will do." Then there is a need for a perfectionist who will not allow the project to be handed over with flaws.

Eternal Beta

However, the super-speeds of the last decade dictate new approaches, where not perfection is valued, but acceptable quality, flexibility and adaptability. For example, in the IT world, the concept of “permanent beta” is popular, when an IT product is released in beta, and then an endless series of updates is released. For example, the Gmail email service was a "beta" product for the first five years since its release in 2004.

The product is not perfect, but it is quite good and useful today. Then truly viable products have the chance to continually improve as they go along. Surely among them there are those that are not ashamed to show the angels, whose opinion Gaudí was so worried about.

How to get rid of perfectionism if it interferes with life: advice from our experts

1. If you notice signs of unhealthy perfectionism behind you, you should think: what is behind this? Whose recognition and favor are you seeking? How important is this person's praise to you? What is the fundamental difference between "perfect" and just "quality"? Maybe it doesn't exist at all?

2. Determine for yourself the balance between the importance of the case and the price you have to pay for its flawless execution. How much, for example, will your overtime "vigilance" on a project until late at night affect your relationships with your loved ones? Is it worth it?

3. Try to be a little more forgiving of yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes, let it be three "permissible" mistakes a day, for which you will not scold yourself.

4. Try to be more tolerant of the imperfections of others. By imposing your perfectionist worldview on others, you seek to control people, and nobody likes that. Don't force anyone to do anything, even if you actually "know best".

Many parents discover the term "perfectionist" when they understand that absolute dissatisfaction with life is hidden under the child's excessive diligence, and "first-class" in everything turns into neuroses and a chronic fear of failure. Where do children's perfectionism "grow legs" from, and is it necessary to fight it?

Signs of perfectionism in children

What is child perfectionism? Such a child is fantastically hardworking and diligent, he worries about every mistake and poorly written letter, everything in his life should be on the shelves and according to the rules.

It seems that parents should be happy for their child, but under the veil of impeccability of a perfectionist, there is always a fear of error, failure, self-doubt, depression, low self-esteem. And, if, in a timely manner, the child is not rebuilt, then at an older age, very serious problems await him, both in social and personal life.

How to determine whether the child is just hardworking and diligent, or is it time to start worrying?

A child is a perfectionist if...

• It takes him hours to complete elementary tasks, and his slowness and scrupulousness annoys even teachers.
• Each task is reworked and each "ugly" written text is rewritten until everything is perfect.
• He takes criticism hard and worries so much that he can become depressed.
• He is terribly afraid of making mistakes. Any failure is a disaster.

• He constantly tries to compare himself with his peers.
• He, like air, needs an assessment of mom and dad. And, for any, even for the most insignificant reason.
• He does not like to share his mistakes and mistakes with his parents.
• He is not confident in himself, and his self-esteem is low.
• He is attentive to every little thing and detail.

The list is by no means complete, but it is common features a child who grows up to be a pathological perfectionist.

Who is guilty?

Causes of perfectionism in children

It is in childhood that the "excellent student" syndrome develops. At the very time when the child's psyche is not completely formed, even a casually thrown word can affect it. And the blame for perfectionism, first of all, lies with the parents, who, not having time to realize themselves, placed all their aspirations on the fragile shoulders of the baby.

The causes of children's perfectionism are as old as the world:

• A parenting style in which mom and dad are not able to perceive their child as a person, but consider him, rather, as a kind of continuation of himself

Most of the time, parents don't even realize it. The objections and protests of the child are not taken into account, because he "should be the best in everything."

• Too much criticism and little (or even zero) praise

The method of "education", in which parents do not leave their child the right to make a mistake. Wrong - whip. Did everything well - no gingerbread. With such a Cerberus upbringing, the only thing left for the child is to be perfect in everything. Fear of punishment or another parental attacks will sooner or later lead to a breakdown or anger at the parents.

• dislike

In this case, the parents do not demand anything supernatural from the child, do not attack or punish. They just...don't care. In vain attempts to earn the love of mom and dad, the child either goes into honors out of impotence and hides in class from his resentment, or it is with grades and achievements that he tries to attract parental attention.

• Created idols

“Look at Sasha, the neighbor - what a smart girl! He knows everything, knows everything, happiness, not a child! And you have me ... ". The constant comparison of a child with someone does not pass without a trace - there will definitely be a reaction. After all, it's so insulting when some neighbor Sasha seems to your mother better than you.

• Family poverty

“You have to be the best so that you don’t have to work as a janitor!” The child is loaded to its fullest with everything that can be loaded. And not a step to the side. The child gets tired, internally protests, but cannot do anything - the parents do not allow him to relax even at home.

• Parents are perfectionists themselves

That is, they are simply not capable of realizing that they make a mistake in education.

• Low self-esteem

The child delays the moment of completing the task until the last moment, either turning over pens or sharpening pencils, because he is afraid that he will not cope. The reason for self-doubt and low self-esteem may lie, both in relationships with peers or teachers, and in parental upbringing.

A child always wants to be the first and the best - good or bad?

So what's better anyway? To be an excellent student without the right to make a mistake or a C student with a stable psyche and joy in the heart?

Of course, it is important to encourage your child to new victories and achievements. The faster a child learns to set specific goals and achieve them, the more successful his adult life will be.

But there is another side of this "medal":

• Working only for the result is the absence of the natural joys of childhood. Sooner or later, the body gets tired, and apathy and neuroses appear.
• In the battle for high marks and victory in circles / sections, the child is overworked. Overload affects health.
• The fear of making a mistake or not justifying parental trust is a constant mental stress for a child. Which also does not go unnoticed.
• The little perfectionist spreads excessive demands on himself to everyone around him, as a result of which he loses friends, does not have time to communicate with peers, does not see his mistakes, and is not able to work in a team.

The result is an inferiority complex and constant dissatisfaction with oneself.

Problems of perfectionist children in the family and society

A student's syndrome is the fruit of parenting. And only in the power of parents to pay attention to this in time and correct their mistakes.

What can a child's pursuit of an ideal lead to?

• Senseless waste of time.

A child will not gain extra knowledge by rewriting one text 10 times or trying to systematize a mountain of material that he cannot even understand.

Let's not forget that a child in his childhood is entitled to childish joys of life. The consciousness of a child who is deprived of them is automatically rebuilt, programming for the future a workaholic, neurasthenic, with a bag of complexes that he will never admit to anyone.

• Disappointment

The ideal does not exist. Nothing. There is no limit to self-improvement. Therefore, the pursuit of the ideal is always illusory and inevitably leads to disappointment.

If even in childhood a child experiences such “blows of fate” with difficulty, then in adulthood it will be doubly difficult for him to cope with failures and falls.

At best, such a person quits the case without completing it. At worst, he gets a nervous breakdown with all the ensuing consequences.

• Habit - work, work, work

Rest is for the weak. The family of a perfectionist always suffers from his inattention, intolerance, constant attacks. A rare person is able to live next to a perfectionist and perceive him as he is. Such families in most cases are doomed to divorce.

• Pathological self-doubt

A perfectionist is always afraid to become real, to open up, to be rejected. To become himself and allow himself to make mistakes for him is tantamount to a feat that rarely anyone dares.

• Perfectionist, having a child, brings up from him the same perfectionist.
• Neurasthenia, mental disorders

All this is a consequence of constant fear, dependence on someone else's opinion, psycho-emotional stress, flight from people and situations that can make a perfectionist not on the best side.

How to save a child from perfectionism - a reminder for parents

In order to prevent the development of perfectionism and its transition to a “chronic” stage, parents should reconsider traditional methods of education.

• If the child is not able to cope with a certain task, do not stomp your feet and do not shout "Krivorukov!" - help him or postpone this task until the moment when the child is ready for it.
• Help the child, but do not deprive him of independence. Guide, but do not interfere with his decisions. Just be there in case your help or shoulder is needed.
• Teach your child from the cradle that failure is not a fiasco , not a tragedy, but just one step down, after which there will definitely be three more - up. Any mistake is an experience, not grief. Develop in your child an adequate perception of his actions, ups and downs.
• Do not deprive the child of childhood. If you want him to play the piano, this does not mean that the child himself dreams of it. It is possible that you do not even know about his torment "for the sake of his mother." Do not load your child with a dozen circles and developmental activities. Childhood is joy, games, peers, carelessness, and not endless activities and circles from fatigue under the eyes. Everything should be in moderation.
• Teach your child to communicate in a team. Don't let him shut himself up. There are many ways to awaken sociability and sociality in a child. Communication is development and experience, a change of sensations and emotions. And hide and seek in your shell - loneliness, complexes, self-doubt.
• Do not overload your child with household chores. You need to teach order, but you should not abuse your authority. If in your child’s room every thing is on its shelf, wrinkles are smoothed out on the blanket, and clothes are always neatly folded on a high chair before bedtime, you risk growing up a perfectionist.
• Choose games for your child through which he can overcome his fear of failure. Teach your child to lose with dignity - without tantrums.
• Be sure to encourage and praise the child's abilities and achievements. , but there is no need to make excessive demands. Brought a five - smart girl! Brought a three - it's not scary, we'll fix it! Focus on the process of learning and learning, not on the result. The result will come by itself if the child has an interest.
• Do not confuse leadership and perseverance with perfectionism. The first carry only positive - the child is satisfied, joyful, calm, self-confident. In the second case, all the "achievements" of the child are accompanied by fatigue, isolation, nervous breakdowns, depression.

And of course, talk to your child. Discuss not only his successes / failures, but also his fears, aspirations, dreams, desires - everything in the world.

Share your experience - how you (dad and mom) dealt with failures, corrected mistakes, gained knowledge. What advantages can bring in the future the mistakes and failures of today.